Monday, November 19, 2012

Revisiting why I wrote this book...

You may be asking yourself why I wrote this. I can tell you that it wasn’t for fame, fortune or self indulgence. I wrote this for you. I believe a whole generation is living in the dark because parents have chosen not to talk candidly about their teenage experiences. Not wanting my daughter to follow in my footsteps, I began sharing stories of my struggles in the hopes that she would be more prepared than I was. I have always been open with her, and she was the one to encourage me to tell my story. 

The one thing that makes me crazy is that people constantly say that the high school years are the best of your life. I strongly disagree, because growing up fucking sucks! It is the hardest thing you will ever do, because you don’t yet possess the knowledge, wisdom, or means, to do it well.  Bearing my heart and soul in this memoir, I have revealed things that I have never told another living soul, and written things I could never speak out loud. While putting these words out in the open for the whole world to read, I have cried.

Surviving even after self-sabotage, my life took many twists and turns, but I came out on the right side of things. However, I do have scars even though they are hidden deep in my psyche. After all these years, it was still hard to revisit some of the more difficult experiences. Somehow, I found the guts to do it.  The basics of my philosophy are simple, but attaining this wisdom wasn’t. Life is a journey well worth taking, so don’t give up and hide from it, because tomorrow really is a clean slate.

Relationships are the real mystery. Finding true love isn’t a sprint, it is a bloody marathon, there will be blisters and calluses, but if you pace yourself you will make it to the finish line. How do you know when you’ve reached the finish line? You’re friggin exhausted, but feel great, there is someone keeping pace with you, and suddenly you’re not compelled to run  anymore.

Unsure if I am a good roll model, it doesn’t bother me if some people hate this book; it is me raw, uncensored and at times difficult to swallow. However, it is the honest truth, something most people never want to share, even with themselves. What you do with this knowledge is your own business. Take the things that can help you and leave the  rest. If this rescues one other girl going down the same path, I did, it will all be worth it. Listen, I am not an expert on any subject except for my life.

I didn’t desire to preach about the dangers of drinking, doing drugs, sleeping around, and suicidal thoughts. I simply recounted the painful repercussions of all the mistakes I made. Life proved to be like a disastrous chain reaction, every event led into the next. Believing that I was just having fun and no one would get hurt was delusional. A fool, I was too close to the situation to see clearly; as you know, it is always easier to see someone else’s missteps.  Clearly, some of the shit I did in my past is embarrassing, reprehensible, and inexcusable.

I hope this book doesn’t glorify my actions, especially underage drinking and using illegal drugs. Reliving and admitting my failures wasn’t easy, but I won’t make any apologies for who I am or who I used to be. Regrets and guilt are counterproductive. What’s done is done, water under the bridge.

You can’t change the past, but you can try like hell not to make the same mistakes again. All that said, the confessions I have made will be a shock to my parents, and I am sorry for that. I meant them no disrespect. They did the best job they could with the knowledge they possessed. I have no animosity towards them, I was deeply loved.

I learned that life is a testament of your courage and strength, but if you let it, life can be nothing more than a sinister game of chance and the odds aren’t always in your favor. It is really all about choices. If you make the wrong one along the way it can destroy your future, or it can give you a shock back into reality.

Ultimately, you are the only one that can save you. You alone can choose not to drink or take drugs. You decide who can put their hands on your body. You are the one who has the power to pick up the pieces, and make a conscious decision to stop the self-destructive behavior.

Parents of teens, this can be a wake up call. Your teen might be  doing the same things that I did. If your kid isn’t acting out or getting bad grades delve deeper into their lives and read between the lines.  Don’t let them shut you out, there will be tiny hints. Make them talk about their feelings and listen with an open mind. It might be the hardest thing you will ever do, but at the same time, the most rewarding.  

Every life has meaning and purpose; I didn’t almost end up dead in a ditch somewhere for no reason. We are connected, not spiritually, but there is an invisible link between us. What we do to ourselves touches everyone around us. None of us are truly alone.

Feeling like I was the only who suffered the heavy pressure of never ending sadness, despair, and solitude almost killed me. Everything would have been immensely easier if I had reached out to someone. Asking for help doesn’t mean you are weak, it only proves you are smart.  My story is proof that you can live a real teenage nightmare and still have a productive, beautiful life ahead of you.

Coasting into mid life, all the mistakes I made are my own, but the hard lessons I learned can be yours. Once I share the wisdom I have acquired, in a sense I will have come full circle.  Please take care of the people in your life, and find the time to ask if they are really okay. Remember all we really are at the end is the relationships that we forge, they alone define us. Our mistakes ultimately vanish in the wind.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

The Unspeakable Outcome of Bullying...

I have been neglecting this site and my book's ever changing messages.  I watched an episode of Anderson Cooper today and there was a piece on Bullying.  Most of my issues as a youth started with the simple act of being bullied by the popular girls in my school.  My book documents just how hurtful words can be and just how deeply they can attack a child's self esteem.  At 43 years old I finally know who I am and I can own all of it, the good, the bad and the very ugly.  I have copies of my book available and I will autograph a copy and send it off to anyone who wants to read it. 

Please contact me through my Twitter Account @KJones269